I think I’m addicted to TBP. Maybe it’s the new-ness of it all, maybe it’s the fact that I’ve been to a TBP event for the past 6/7 days, or maybe it’s that everyone I talked to last year has moved far away from me. It feels slightly weird when I talk to lhs people now – I never thought that’d be possible. But here I am, spending all of my free time with 40+ mostly newfound friends. I spent about 9 hours in our little lounge in bechtel today, doing some work on the TBP website, and also just chatting to people about random stuff. I wonder what state it’ll put me in later on in the semester, but for now, it’s a really nice feeling. I think part of it might be that we all make time to go out to these events, whereas I only meet up with other people if I have time or if we meet by chance. In any case, I feel like I’m drifting away at an ever-increasing rate that may never be closed again. The fact that I’m taking classes at an accelerated rate also means that I’m seeing TBP/HKN people a lot more than people I already know. I don’t know what to doooooooo. I want to find some sort of balance, but it’s looking more and more that the balance point is a state where I see TBP almost exclusively during my free time. And I really don’t know the consequences of that.

We also had a 80-message spamfest over email yesterday in the span of about an hour. It was ridiculously entertaining, and then we moved to an aim chat (omg) for another 5 hours before we all went to sleep. I love these people

When I run out of old music, I like to go back to old stuff I haven’t listened to in a while. And every once in a while, something really strikes me and resonates with my current mood – whether it be happiness, depression, steady uninterrupted coding sessions…whatever. There’s something really blissful about blocking out the world and just listening to music for hours on end, and it’s a little sad that I won’t be able to do it as often once I’m at berkeley unless I want to be a social recluse.

In every circle of friends there’s a whore
The one who flirts and does a little more
But who’s to say this a social scene anyway?

It’s really normal to listen to 2-3 hours of non-stop music at work, since a lot of it is just coding or debugging where you don’t really need other people’s help. Obviously, we are working in teams, but for far less of the time than you’d think. I think it’s during these sessions that I kind of just forget about my worries, forget about difficulties, set-backs, and disappointments in life. I just sink myself in the beautiful aura of flowing bits and symbols, typing away incessantly.

And everybody wants to explore the new girl
Caught up in her own hard liquor world
But liquor doesn’t exist in my world
But liquor doesn’t exist in my world

But even when I’m lost deep inside my own world, there’s other distractions that seem to come from nowhere and jolt me out of my trance. Fire drills, jackhammers across the street, train whistles, boss walking by, coworkers drinking (the smell of alcohol SUCKS ASS), and other fun events shock me out of my bliss. Sometimes it’s nice, because it lets me know I’m still grounded in reality, no matter how much I want to escape, but sometimes it’s an annoyance, and sometimes it’s more.

Now just look at that social clique
Do you really wanna be a part of it?

I visited my Bothell 2nd grade elementary school – Kokanee Elementary School. It brings back so many memories – so many refreshing memories which oddly enough, mirror my current situation. There’s this trail that goes around the school, and we used to run it for PE. At the crest of the hill we run to, there were a bunch a pigs that came out and chased you – but since the pigs have a slight locate and intercept time, they wound up running headlong into the slow kids. And boy was it funny since the pigs smelled like crap but the fast people would be long gone by the time it struck. Unfortunately, there’s no more pigs – but the trail is still there. I ran half of it or so in jeans, and I felt so carefree. My parents didn’t feel like climbing the hill, so I went exploring by myself and it was so damn refreshing. Childhood memories flooding back and I felt so…alive.

And if you lie you don’t deserve to have friends
If you lie you don’t deserve to have them
If you lie you don’t deserve to have friends

I used to hang out in the library during recess cause I didn’t want to get my shoes dirty from the muddy grass (it rains a lot) and I remember helping the librarian sort the books (dewey decimal system, bitches!). Of all the books I read, I remember reading Wayside School. There’s something about Seattle and reading. Except now I’m reading a multitude of Star Wars books. And there’s also something about Seattle and being away from friends (I was only in Kokanee for < 9 months, before moving on to California).

You are a sell out
But you couldn’t even do that right

At least I’m almost back in California, back where all my friends are, yet back to an uncertain social future. It’s really weird, cycling between the different subsets of my life. I think I’ll probably get sucked up in TBP a lot next semester, and hopefully I’ll have a lot of fun while I’m at it, but at the same time, trying to get my coding skills better and better. Well, I guess I can always retreat into my apartment and it’ll be a lot easier blocking out the world since there’s almost nobody to distract me. But somehow, I don’t think I’m like that anymore. I wonder if I’ve matured during the last 12 weeks here. My parents/grandma says I really have, and I guess being with my coworkers really helped the process along. But at the same time, I feel like I’m being immature in dealing with people. We’ll see how it goes.

If you lie.

- – Cute is What We Aim For – Newport Living

i wonder if i’ll ever be able to get a grasp on the stock market. the problem lies in the fact that the stock market gives me such an easy path to instant gratification at the expense of long term gains – the exact opposite of what I try to live by. If i had held on to my amazon stocks instead selling it the first time it made a gain, i would have an $200 extra right now. I wonder if it’s something that I should even be worrying about, given the volatility of the stock market anyway. I’m bound to lose or gain hundreds or thousands of dollars at a time sooner or later.

I’ve found myself buying more and more on an impulse. Everything from music to games to books. I guess that’s what having easy access to spare money does to you. Maybe i should keep more of my money in my hard-to-access savings account to stop myself from frivolous spending. Or perhaps I should just indulge myself as a reward for finishing my first job? But realistically, every bit that I can save now multiples into thousands later on in 50 years, so I guess i better reign in my spending since i’ll be running out of income in 4 days

“so this is how it ends, with thunderous applause”

when the republic turned into the empire, the reader could see it from miles away. certain senators cautioned against incremental stetps towards an empire, but they were ignored. everything is rationalized in some form or other, and each time, something more is lost. when anakin falls to the dark side, it’s tragic to see his fall. you pity him and what he’s become. when you know the whole story, you can see how deftly palpatine manipulated the jedi to destroying themselves – building them up as soldiers of war, then at the brink of victory, murdering them with former allies in a gut-wrenching betrayal.

now replace star wars with real life.

my faith and naive beliefs are shattered; i am at a loss for words. where the hell do i fit into all this? am i a horrified spectator, or an unwitting accomplice? is there anything I could have done to stop this?

but in the end, even darth vader redeems himself. i can only hope the metaphor continues.

i wonder what the toasters think.

perl sucks. php makes sense by comparison. css, javascript, and (x)html are a blessing and firebug is just kickass.

one of my few childhood icons died yesterday: george carlin. i think he probably shaped my belief system more than any other individual force (excluding family). i really admired him and his funny routines mixed in with social/political messages. ever since 6th grade or so, when i first found one of his clips on napster, i looked forward to new material every day. i believe i watched every single one of his HBO specials and i own all of his books. he was a legend in my mind, and i’m extremely sad to see him go. it’s really unfortunate timing, since i always wanted to go to one of his live shows without having to explain to my parents. sigh…

And I thought classes took up too much time during your day. I have about 2 hours of free time on a normal weekday now, just enough to read some news, process emails/feeds, and do maybe an hour of assorted things. Not nearly enough to program for ESC (or anything else for that matter). So progress is insanely slow unfortunately. So my day usually goes something like this:

7am: wake up
7:45: head out to door to catch the express bus (yay, cuts my travel time in half since it drives on the highway)
8:30: get to my office
12:00 – 1pm: lunch (it’s really varaible. sometimes it’s at 11, sometimes it’s at 2)
5:30ish: leave work (again, variable. I could leave at 5, or i could leave at 6 if i really wanted to)
6:30: get back to my room
6:30 – 7:30: dinner
7:30 – 9:30: FREE TIME OMG
9:30: get ready to sleep
10~11: sleep. it’s really early -_- but I have to sleep early or else I’m insanely tired since i have to wake up at 7am again

Weekends I half don’t even want to use my computer (wtf is happening to me) since my eyes are a bit tired from staring at one all week at work. But at least for now, i can’t pull myself away from it I think for future weekends, i’ll probably go hiking/walking/running around, perhaps with other interns. Yesterday I just didn’t feel like leaving the room, partly because it’s raining. I’m going to go out to buy some food and maybe just wander around the area. sunset is at 9pm here. wow. Thankfully i’m in a pretty safe neighborhood with so much stuff in driving distance. Costco in 5 minutes, safeway/korean market in 30 seconds, asian supermarket in 10 minutes, and a few other stores. I got my Coscto card earlier this week too, so I basically don’t need to worry about not being able to find stuff. Wow, I just realized there’s so much to write about since it’s such a drastic change of environment. I also realized I skip a few steps along the way:

So my drive here was pretty interesting (at least to me). We left at ~10am on Saturday, and i drove the first 300 miles/4 hours without stopping to get to Redding for lunch (In-n-out!). I think that was the longest i’ve ever driven. Thankfully the speed limit was mostly 70mph, and i was driving 75+/-5mph the whole time. Then we switched and my mom drove into Oregon, which only had speed limits of 60mph for the entire damn state, wtf. There was this one stretch of road that was completely straight for over 40 miles. No turns, no bridges, no nothing. It was really dull in case you didn’t realize. We slept in Eugene, OR, next to University of Oregon, and we found this chinese place to eat at, and since it’s next to a University, each item was soooo much food. And there was a white, goth college-aged girl serving us. really weird juxaposition next to the chinese cooks. Still, Oregon (and Washington) are really pretty. Everything’s green and there’s so many hills and mountains and meadows and lakes. Unfortunately, it was also raining/drizziling most of the way. It was really pouring in the mountain passes, and also for the first hour of Washington. I drove over a drawbridge to get to Washington. I wish I could have looked around a bit more since the river and it’s assorted bridges were really pretty, but it was raining and I didn’t want to crash. As we got to Seattle, it was a really sunny day and it was actually warmer than san jose. go figure. We went to what we thought was chinatown – it was actually a vietnamese area – and then went to my room for the next three months. It’s about 10 minutes by car, 20 minutes by bus (but 10 minute walks on both ends of the bus line) to get from home to work. That’s about it for the trip up. Oh, and there was a Hooker Creek Road in Oregon.

Cooking is interesting. I get to eat food I actually want to eat, but it unfortunately takes time. Whereas at Berkeley, I could walk to the DC, eat, and get back within 20 minutes, it takes about an hour to cook/eat. Well, maybe it’s just because of what I cooked for the past few days. I’ve been eating soup with noodles, vegetables, chicken, mushroom; sushi; green onion pancakes; waffles; scrambled eggs; and instant noodles I’m going to buy some more stuff at the asian market later today for the coming week. so far, i haven’t gone out to eat except during lunch, and one time last friday when we went downtown to go exploring with some interns. So I actually know 4 people here, 3 from Berkeley/HKN, and Grace Li from MIT/LHS. Really weird coincidence. At least there’s some familiar faces from time to time, even though I don’t see them every day.

so the amount of money I’m getting is boggling my mind continuously. I make about enough to buy a Wii every single day. i went out and bought almost $900 worth of parts to build a computer the other day. i’m going to be having a lot of fun on monday/tuesday next week i desperately need it since my laptop is crashing like 3 times a day now. i’m not quite sure why. i disabled almost everything that could be causing it, but it’s still deadlocking :/ In any case, i don’t have to deal with it much longer. the only thing that’s kinda shitty is the internet here. I only get like 130kbps/down but on the upside, i get about 100 kbps/up, which is actually faster than back at home. it’s really annoying because i used to be able to do like 3 things at once – torrents, 1 video i’m watching, and another one loading in the background, but now I can only really do one at once. Sigh. and there’s nothing faster that i can get, even though I would totally pay for it.

i think that pretty much sums up the last week or so. there’s probably random things i missed here and there which i’ll fill in with a future post. i think i’ll go exploring now. i want to go visit the sound soon, and Mt. Rainier. They both seem like beautiful places to visit. I should probably get to know some interns better though, otherwise i’ll be going alone. I realized I didn’t write about any of the emotional/thoughts side of my move, and it’s all factual objective things. I might get depressed if i start though, so i won’t. it’s slightly lonely up here.

lonely* with a positive second derivative and an uncertain approaching inflection point. busy* with a positive slope and no end in sight. I dream of INSERT INTO schedule VALUES(‘break’, ‘now’); but it’s not likely to happen. sigh.

*graphed vs time.

So i’ve been putting off writing this post for a while because of homework and midterms and stuff. This week has been insanely busy and I’ve had so much I wanted to write about. So first off, I’ve been researching Amazon more, because I’m going to work there and it’s nice to know what your company is up to. So the new things I learned

• Amazon sells groceries online that they can ship/deliver to you. If you live in Seattle, you can get produce/bread/etc shipped right to your door, otherwise it’s just nonperishables (snacks, cookies, etc). I think i’m going to have to try it cause it’s easier than visiting Safeway yourself or something
• They’re making a movie (The Stolen Child)
• they run (by which I mean host and design) borders, waldenbooks, sears, target, and a bunch of other sites
• Amazon doesn’t publish their customer service number (1-800-201-7575), presumably to cut down on costs
• Amazon owns IMDB.com
• Amazon was fined for providing free shipping in France (bookseller’s union complained about the discount)

Lots of interesting information, I had a lot of fun looking it up and researching I can’t wait to go work on something! And to go live on my own with not many obligations. I already have a bunch of projects lined up that I want to tackle – ESC rewrite, XNA, certifications, and a few others. I just hope I don’t get so tired of programming at work that I won’t want to program when I get back to my apartment. Speaking of which, I still need to find one in Seattle. And I finally found an apartment at Berkeley too, right next to Etcheverry. Can’t wait to have my own kitchen so I can cook some REAL FOOD. I’m getting terribly sick of DC food, but unfortunately, I have way too many points left and I need to spend it somehow.

Should I try to be an officer for HKN/TBP next semester? It looks kinda fun, but I don’t know if I’m outgoing enough/committed enough. I can’t believe there’s only 6 more weeks! First year here is almost over. I just got confirmation yesterday that I actually satisfied the bulk of my humanities requirements through De Anza. Awesomeness I can’t wait to take some hard-core EECS classes here. Can’t wait for graphics, can’t wait for AI, can’t wait for OS, can’t wait for compilers, and I really really can’t wait for mechatronics

I need to exercise more. I feel so lazy and complacent just sitting here in front of my computer everyday. My lifestyle is probably extremely unhealthy right now, especially with my messed up sleep schedule. Sigh. Oh, apparently somebody tried to jump off the 8th floor a building here in Unit 1 yesterday. Scary stuff.

So it’s almost 2am, the perfect time to write a blog post, when my brain is the fuzziest. Not really, but I feel like writing something. I just spent the last few hours trying to define myself or something – looking up labels for myself, groups to join, areas of interest, etc. It feels really weird; the groups I identify with change so rapidly and I’m not sure whether that’s good or not. Every couple of months, I go on a renewed atheist path, and each time, I barely resist buying some tshirt or something. I’m also having trouble deciding exactly how much personal information to put online. I have my email and aim openly out there for anyone to find, and I even put out my grand central phone number. I guess it’s fairly safe, but I always wonder what would happen if somebody malicious happened upon it. Would such a person be able to trace it back to me and my house and be able to physically find me? Judging by all the info online, someone would be able to deduce I go to school in Berkeley and I live in San Jose, and they’d probably find out that it’s Lynbrook….just by knowing one of my screennames. I managed to figure out that the person running cal’s dc++ network is living in cheney hall, and I think I scared myself a bit about just how easy it was. In fact, using the same method, that person could also figure out where I live fairly easily, if he knew what he was doing. The only thing lacking is a picture, which I’ve refused to put up in any public place, but there’s been a increasing number of pictures of me on facebook. Perhaps I should go and remove all the tags for good measure.

I can’t believe I’m actually going to be going to Seattle for the summer. I’m going to be so lonely I wonder how many days it’ll take me before the novelty wears off and I’ll be wishing I were back home. What kind of shoes do you wear to work? My mom decided to take me shoe shopping yesterday, and I swear every single non-running shoe was impossibly ugly. I really hope that my work environment is going to be everything goes. If I have to wear something formal, I’m going to cry.

Humans are so irrational sometimes. Whether it’s dealing with parents, rogue children, or a (perhaps failed) relationship, there are so many things that you just do with no good reason. It’s a bit frightening to watch it unfold before your eyes, or even KNOW that you’re being irrational yourself but you won’t do anything to change it. Is that normal, or am I overanalyzing again?

I think my brain needs a rest now. I also need to start sleeping earlier. This is so unhealthy, just like so many of the other things I’m doing in life right now. Sigh. I think I need a girlfriend to cuddle with, just to feel good once again. I guess I could also go run several miles to get some happy hormones in me. Does that make running a psuedo-drug?